Today marks the end; in a few hours the book will close on 2009. Yearning for better times further down the road, it is virtually unavoidable to avoid looking back, sneaking a quick peek into the rear view mirror, reflecting upon what has been and what has not.
Like many, I have my own thoughts on 2009 and I suppose it should come as no surprise that upon musing, I find myself struggling to assign proper words to capture all that was – and all that was not for me over the past 365 days.
As a kid, the concept of time was often mysterious to me, but now as an adult, the elusive nature of time is better understood. I now see how it is that rhythmically, time has a clever way of reinventing itself into something different. Shrewdly, with skills akin to that of a practiced elder, Father Time has a way assembling weeks from a few days all for the purpose of creating a month. And jus like that, before you realize it, and without unnecessary bravado, Father Time has amassed enough months to unfold yet another a year.
I never understand how it is that planning for the year ahead can seem like such a long time, yet that same year will pass before you realize that it has come and gone.
As the current year is brought to an end, I cannot believe that I’ve been without work for all of it. How is it possible; where did the time go?
And so it is for me in 2009, the year that has at times felt painfully slow, perhaps deliberately unhurried, but as evidenced by the New Year rapidly approaching, has already come and is anxiously awaiting to exit.
It’s almost impossible for me to think about my year of unemployment without asking hindsight-like questions of myself.
Essentially, my unemployment began when Kelly and I decided to leave Chicago in order to relocate to Washington. In most situations, resignations are followed by a two-week transitional ‘notice’ period; as it was, my transition was fifteen months. In retrospect, the ill timing of our move is obvious, coinciding with a pending recession of historical nature.
I often ask myself what if we stayed?
Of course, remaining simply would have meant trading one set of wants for another. I love living in the Pacific Northwest and question why we delayed the move as long as we did. Kelly and I wanted out of Chicago just as badly as I now want a job.
Sometimes I wonder is it better to be living unhappily in one place with a job, or completely satisfied in another without? In actuality, the question is moot, as I suspect that had we stayed in Chicago, I’d still be in possession of my former job yet longing to live elsewhere.
I also ask myself what if I had looked for work locally with more aggressive fervor? You see, upon relocating I was offered a great opportunity to work remotely, but without any long-term commitments. I loved the arrangement and the accompanying assignments, and consequently did not look for local employment with the devotion I could have.
Was I foolish? Was it reckless to maintain such enthusiasm for my remote work arrangement? I don’t know, I suppose it’s hard to say really. I loved the work and the people; shouldn’t that count for something?
Often, like last night, I dream about my former life - one inclusive of gainful employment. Like most, my dreams contain lots of fantasy and other nonsense, but lately also painful reminders of what was, and now is not.
Usually, the setting for my dreaming is the workplace. Not always my former office per se, but an office setting nonetheless, often complemented with former co-workers or colleagues.
I suppose there is no denying the obvious, my dreams are simply the manifestations of feelings and concerns buried deep within my thoughts and subconscious. Fears and other reservations I carry around like baggage and burdens inexplicably linked with unemployment.
Earlier this year I thought mostly about and focused my efforts on the pursuit of securing additional professional credentials to supplement my work experiences. Beyond that I looked forward to possibly enjoying some time off over the summer.
Perhaps I was naïve; maybe I should have been more careful about what I wished for. Suddenly, my time off has transformed. Days have become weeks, then became months, and now have become a year.
At the moment, here I sit just a few hours shy of a new year. For me it is bittersweet that 2009 is almost complete. At times the year has been very good, other times not so much.
All the same, one thing nags at me … for the life of me, I do not know where the time went nor how it passed by so quickly.
What I do know is that tomorrow will bring a new day. Just like always, Father Time will continue to amass a collection of days, unassumingly assembling the year that is to come.
A year is a long time; I wonder what experiences lie ahead that I cannot yet see.
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